Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Whisky Brand Ambassador Aptitude Test
(a) As a guest judge of a whisky competition, you must pour our 18 year old blend into the 12 year old bottle, and pour the vatted malt into our 18 year old bottle, and surreptitiously add a teaspoon of vinegar to the vatted bottle, to ensure we win gold!
(b) Tell the other judges that our festival swag includes a 5-pack of Viagra.
(c) Remind the judges that every vote for our blend entitles them to a vacation at The Villages, Florida's friendliest retirement home!
(d) All of the above.
(e) None of the above.
2. You are standing at the faux wood podium, mic at your lips, palms damp, a pregnant pause, as the crowd waits for you to begin by:
(a) telling them how you are on a whisky crash diet and have already lost one week . . .
(b) not thinking about your son's declaration at breakfast, "Dad, I want to become an actor."
(c) not dwelling on your wife's bubbly voice mail of 5 minutes ago: "Honey, we were out of Grey Goose for the girls' Cosmopolitans, so we substituted it with your Highland Park 25."
(d) wondering if United Airlines might still hire you as a steward on the Vegas red eye.
(e) All of the above.
(f) None of the above.
3. A voice pipes up in the audience wanting to know how many seconds is a long finish? You respond:
(a) "Next question."
(b) "6 or 60 seconds, not sure as I'm dyslexic."
(c) "Depends on the wash cycle of your dishwasher or you could switch back to Electrasol for a longer, cleaner finish."
4. You have been entrusted with a $5,000 promotional budget to spend at a whisky festival. How do you spend it?
(a) $3,000 on catering of smoked salmon and oyster hors d'oeuvres, $1,000 on crystal Glencairn glasses; $1,000 on key chains, fridge magnets and brochures promoting our brands.
(b) Empty out our dreadful 18 year old blend and re-fill with $5,000 worth of that great blended malt from the independent bottler.
(c) $5,000 on an appearance fee for # 1 on the Maxim Hot 100 list.
(d) All of the above and, then look for a new job the following day.
5. By pure chance you run into George Clooney at the Four Seasons. You both hit it off and he expresses a willingness to co-host a whisky tasting with you. Do you:
(a) get his contact information?
(b) suggest in light of his recent nuptials that you don't mind relieving him of his burdensome little black book.
6. Logical Reasoning
A recent scientific study demonstrated that when lab rats are given our extra-special 18 year old blend, an increase in the incidence of bizarre rat behavior results (ie. sharing cheese, making nice-nice with cats, etc.). When our company was asked if we would voluntarily place warning labels on our bottles, our American spokesman responded that it would not because the study was funded by loyal Democrats who want to rob all freedom loving Americans of fun.
Which of the following most strongly undermines our statement above?
(a) One whiff of our plastic screw cap bottle, and Ann Coulter becomes in favor of publicly funded Medicare and Canadian style gun control.
(b) One dram into our bottle and Sarah Palin agrees to shut down the "Sarah Palin News Channel."
(c) Two drams into our bottle and John McCain decides to run again for president.
7. Based on your personal experience, which warning label should appear on our bottles?
(a) Warning: The consumption of our whisky may lead to unplanned pregnancy.
(b) Warning: The consumption of our whisky may cause you to think you are more attractive, stylish, and stronger than everyone else in the bar.
(c) Warning: The consumption of our whisky may cause you to tell your boss what you really think of him at the annual Christmas party in front of staff just before he was going to give you a surprise award for best new employee.
(d) Warning: There are many better single malts at half the price of this 18 year old blend. Specifically, that independent bottler's blended malt.
8. If we hired you and it didn't work out, what would you accept in lieu of reasonable notice of termination?
(a) 4 weeks salary?
(b) A case of our finest whisky?
(c) George Clooney's little black book?
(d) Maxim Hot List #1's phone number?
(e) (c) and (d)
(f) (a) through (d)
Photo Credits: Classroom Chairs by Eric James Sarimiento used in this post pursuant to a Creative Commons License; Photograph of Sarah Palin taken by Shemp Howard, Jr. and used here pursuant to a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License. All images used are considered by the author to be significant in illustrating the subject matter, facilitating artistic/critical commentary, as it provides an immediate relevance to the reader more capably than the textual description. Finally, I would like to thank Ethan Kuperberg for his hilarious piece entitled S.A.T. For Adults which appeared in the New Yorker on Sept. 23, 2013. It really generated my idea for this post.