Sunday, March 12, 2017

My Rémy Martin Bottle Speaks!

Bonjour Jason,

It gets lonely here on mantel with zee other bottles.  Bourbons are enough friendly, but I find zose guys from Islay and other Scottish Isles to be real snobs.  Zey are cold and distant like zeir geography.  Thinks zeir malted barley don't ahh how you say?  Stink?  Of course it does stink of peat bogs, decay and bad manners.

I understand that you're proud of daughter's graduation of high school, but placing framed photo to front of me makes my view of zee TV impossible.

Speaking of télévision, I see that you Canadians are az uncultured az your mouth breathing brethren to south.  Between reruns of Trailer Park Boys, PokerStars and 2 Broke Girls, I am convinced that you are culturally deprived or should I zay depraved?  No doubt both apply where you are concerned.  Nevertheless, I have edifying antidote.  Turn to channel 423 "Classic French Cinema" you silly little, unimportant man.  Watch Bob Le Flambeur (1956) three times followed by all of Jean Pierre Melville's other films and zen I will resume speaking to you.

Your wife iz French.

She iz  . . . how you zay . . . your only qualidee redeeming.

I like her.

Mais, when she lights candles here on mantel, it gets rather warm and G-d forbid she gets ignites fireplace.  Blameless she is, as she not put me here to show off.  You did, you stupide, petit bourgeoisie cochon.  I belong in honor place, top shelf of your cabinet of liquorz, at right hand of G-d: Remy Martin XO!

I like Jewish people much.

You know why?  Because zey do not celebrate Christmas.  So, here iz a note to your-stupide-self: do not string holiday garland around me or suspend from my neck a North Pole Elf who chokes me!  Elf on zee Shelf belongs on Shelf!  Fool!  By way, don't even think of converting.  Zee Jews would never have you.

Your elderly Chinese neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Chen, I very much like.  Have you notice zey always ask about me?  This because zey know good character!  I can tell.  Mrs. Chen can't take her eyes off me, unless Highness-on-High, XO, makes an appearance.

Rémy Martin VSOP




Nose (undiluted)
Complex orange blossom, very ripe Moroccan tangerines, very floral notes of violets, roses, vanilla and mulled wine.

Palate (undiluted)
Oranges, tangerines, spiced rose water, Australian red licorice, cardamon, dry apricot. Rum cake.

Finish (undiluted)
Dry oak, vanilla and bittersweet dark chocolate, pencil lead.

. . .

Contrary to opinions of bourgeoisie (all other whiskies on zis shelf), I am superior spirit, distilled from noble, acidic white grapes rather than coarse and stillborn barley, and other lesser grains that belong in a morning cereal or seven grain bread, you silly little Anglo-jambon of a man whiz your bad teeth, inferior cuisine and unfashionable vêtements.

Au revoir,

Monsieur Rémy Martin


  1. Entertaining little bottle. Stick him in wth the eyes. Want to hear what he says then🙂