My Rémy Martin Bottle Speaks!

Bonjour Jason,

It gets lonely here on mantel with zee other bottles.  Bourbons are enough friendly, but I find zose guys from Islay and other Scottish Isles to be real snobs.  Zey are cold and distant like zeir geography.  Thinks zeir malted barley don't ahh how you say?  Stink?  Of course it does stink of peat bogs, decay and bad manners.

I understand that you're proud of daughter's graduation of high school, but placing framed photo to front of me makes my view of zee TV impossible.

Speaking of télévision, I see that you Canadians are az uncultured az your mouth breathing brethren to south.  Between reruns of Trailer Park Boys, PokerStars and 2 Broke Girls, I am convinced that you are culturally deprived or should I zay depraved?  No doubt both apply where you are concerned.  Nevertheless, I have edifying antidote.  Turn to channel 423 "Classic French Cinema" you silly little, unimportant man.  Watch Bob Le Flambeur (1956) three times followed by all of Jean Pierre Melville's other films and zen I will resume speaking to you.

Your wife iz French.

She iz  . . . how you zay . . . your only qualidee redeeming.

I like her.

Mais, when she lights candles here on mantel, it gets rather warm and G-d forbid she gets ignites fireplace.  Blameless she is, as she not put me here to show off.  You did, you stupide, petit bourgeoisie cochon.  I belong in honor place, top shelf of your cabinet of liquorz, at right hand of G-d: Remy Martin XO!

I like Jewish people much.

You know why?  Because zey do not celebrate Christmas.  So, here iz a note to your-stupide-self: do not string holiday garland around me or suspend from my neck a North Pole Elf who chokes me!  Elf on zee Shelf belongs on Shelf!  Fool!  By way, don't even think of converting.  Zee Jews would never have you.

Your elderly Chinese neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Chen, I very much like.  Have you notice zey always ask about me?  This because zey know good character!  I can tell.  Mrs. Chen can't take her eyes off me, unless Highness-on-High, XO, makes an appearance.

Rémy Martin VSOP

Category
Cognac

Closure
Cork

ABV
40%

Nose (undiluted)
Complex orange blossom, very ripe Moroccan tangerines, very floral notes of violets, roses, vanilla and mulled wine.

Palate (undiluted)
Oranges, tangerines, spiced rose water, Australian red licorice, cardamon, dry apricot. Rum cake.

Finish (undiluted)
Dry oak, vanilla and bittersweet dark chocolate, pencil lead.

. . .

Contrary to opinions of bourgeoisie (all other whiskies on zis shelf), I am superior spirit, distilled from noble, acidic white grapes rather than coarse and stillborn barley, and other lesser grains that belong in a morning cereal or seven grain bread, you silly little Anglo-jambon of a man whiz your bad teeth, inferior cuisine and unfashionable vêtements.

Au revoir,



Monsieur Rémy Martin

Whisky Review: Jura "Origin" 10 years Single Malt Scotch

If Johnnie Walker Black was a fellow, he would be a young, lean, angular jawed, recent MBA grad, full of ambition with his career mapped out in exhaustive Montblanc detail on a coffee shop napkin, should you care to ask.

Got an expensive car lease that you impulsively plunged into during the sunny honeymoon period with your ex-gf, and now, under the gathering sombre clouds of insolvency, you are desperate to escape?  Johnnie actually knows someone, who knows someone, who wants that overpriced and unreliable German automotive piece of revenge, launched against us because our grandfathers won the War. After a volley of texts, email, and countless lattes, you will find yourself, an offender released from the Mercedes Benz Finance debtor's prison.

Seated next to Johnnie, in a gray Philadelphia Eagles poncho, is Glen, or more precisely Glenfiddich 12, and he likes fishing, Coors Light and football.  Everyone likes Glen, particularly the ladies.  He has an interesting opinion on everything from Ford truck lift kits to what kind of industrial glue, wax and gold metallic paint is used to maintain Trump's pompadour!

And sitting across from these two characters at the coffee shop/ bookstore / consignment art gallery,  or hunting ground for a Friday night date, is Jura.  He's got the J.Crew catalogue thing goin' on a little too much with the green merino wool v-neck, the golf ball white Brooks Brothers button down underneath, and of course ironed safari beige khakis.  Are we in church or trying to meet ladies in a coffee shop / bookstore / avante garde nude interpretative dance theatre troupe gallery or whatever the hell this place is?  C'mon Mr. Rogers !!!

What can I tell you about Jura?  He's frugal.  Cheap to hang out with, but damn, the 25 cent tip he leaves behind is a bitter reminder to the waitress that it is a cold world out there just like February's icicles lining the metal awning beyond the cafe's storefront window.





Category
Single Malt Scotch

Price
Cheap price for the 10 yr single malt category.

Region
Island (Jura)

Age 
10 years

Closure
Cork stopper

ABV
43% (depending on market, may be 40%)

Production Note
Aged exclusively in ex-bourbon casks, unpeated.

E150a Color?
Yes.

Nose (undiluted)
Banana, cream, honey sweetness, faint floral notes.

Palate (undiluted)
Creamy, banana, oak, melon, honey, coconut and white cake bread.  Faint marine/dulse note (even though the malt is not peated, maybe the bogs covering much of the island transfer some peat/phenolic notes into the natural water supply used by this distillery). Wood smoke / kippers.

Finish (undiluted)
Tight green apple, slightly acidic green pepper, unripened melon, bitter lemon seed and orange pith.  Some mackerel and wet wood smoke too.



General Impressions
Jura delivers the goods for the price, but just barely.  The grapefruit pith and lemon rind finish is simply too bitter to be pleasant leaving this malt unbalanced and wanting.  Maybe it needed more time in the cask.  Or maybe the spirit needed some time in sherry casks to soften the citrus bitterness.  I suspect so.

For what you paid, you receive a very basic malt.  No complexity, no intrigue, no excitement.  Maybe sometime you may want a simple Maritime style whisky that will not break the bank.

You are not being wowed.  Your friend is not Highland Park 18 doing an in-store poetry reading, that attracts a circle of fluttering ladies like moths to a flame.

Instead, Jura is a strait-laced / law abiding fellow, who by turns can be a little taciturn, which makes it hard to attract bees since there is little honey sweetness once the finish arrives or when he opens his mouth to speak.  I mean, he is not willing to accept some sherry casks and peat into his personality.  Need I say more?  He would be more charismatic if he would adopt the easygoing world view of Glen.  As a friend, you accept Jura's risk-averse nature for what it is, a decent character, who by turns is a little bitter and astringent.

Cheers!



Jason Debly

P.S.  Glenfiddich 12 is typically priced lower than Jura 10 yrs "Origin" and does not present any of the bitter grapefruit pith notes.  However, Glenfiddich 12 is not particularly smoky or marine-like in the style of Jura.  If you want the nautical and sea-like style around the same price point, then please consider Old Pulteney 12 years.  

Whisky Brand Ambassador Aptitude Test

1.  If our 18 year old blend costs 22% more than the competitor's 12 year old single malt, and 46% less than the stunner, independently bottled, vatted malt, comprised only of celebrated mothballed distilleries, which of the following is true?

(a)  As a guest judge of a whisky competition, you must pour our 18 year old blend into the 12 year old bottle, and pour the vatted malt into our 18 year old bottle, and surreptitiously add a teaspoon of vinegar to the vatted bottle, to ensure we win gold!

(b)  Tell the other judges that our festival swag includes a 5-pack of Viagra.

(c)  Remind the judges that every vote for our blend entitles them to a vacation at The Villages, Florida's friendliest retirement home!

(d)  All of the above.

(e)  None of the above.

2.  You are standing at the faux wood podium, mic at your lips, palms damp, a pregnant pause, as the crowd waits for you to begin by:

(a)  telling them how you are on a whisky crash diet and have already lost one week . . .

(b)  not thinking about your son's declaration at breakfast, "Dad, I want to become an actor."

(c)  not dwelling on your wife's bubbly voice mail of 5 minutes ago:  "Honey, we were out of Grey Goose for the girls' Cosmopolitans, so we substituted it with your Highland Park 25."

(d)  wondering if United Airlines might still hire you as a steward on the Vegas red eye.

(e)  All of the above.

(f)  None of the above.

3.  A voice pipes up in the audience wanting to know how many seconds is a long finish?  You respond:

(a)  "Next question."

(b)  "6 or 60 seconds, not sure as I'm dyslexic."

(c)  "Depends on the wash cycle of your dishwasher or you could switch back to Electrasol for a longer, cleaner finish."

4.  You have been entrusted with a $5,000 promotional budget to spend at a whisky festival.  How do you spend it?

(a)  $3,000 on catering of smoked salmon and oyster hors d'oeuvres, $1,000 on crystal Glencairn glasses; $1,000 on key chains, fridge magnets and brochures promoting our brands.

(b)  Empty out our dreadful 18 year old blend and re-fill with $5,000 worth of that great blended malt from the independent bottler.

(c)  $5,000 on an appearance fee for # 1 on the Maxim Hot 100 list.

(d)  All of the above and, then look for a new job the following day.

5.  By pure chance you run into George Clooney at the Four Seasons.  You both hit it off and he expresses a willingness to co-host a whisky tasting with you.  Do you:

(a)  get his contact information?

(b)  suggest in light of his recent nuptials that you don't mind relieving him of his burdensome little black book.

6.  Logical Reasoning

A recent scientific study demonstrated that when lab rats are given our extra-special 18 year old blend, an increase in the incidence of bizarre rat behavior results (ie. sharing cheese, making nice-nice with cats, etc.).  When our company was asked if we would voluntarily place warning labels on our bottles, our American spokesman responded that it would not because the study was funded by loyal Democrats who want to rob all freedom loving Americans of fun.

Which of the following most strongly undermines our statement above?

(a)  One whiff of our plastic screw cap bottle, and Ann Coulter becomes in favor of publicly funded Medicare and Canadian style gun control.

(b)  One dram into our bottle and Sarah Palin agrees to shut down the "Sarah Palin News Channel."

(c)  Two drams into our bottle and John McCain decides to run again for president.

7.  Based on your personal experience, which warning label should appear on our bottles?

(a)  Warning:  The consumption of our whisky may lead to unplanned pregnancy.

(b)  Warning:  The consumption of our whisky may cause you to think you are more attractive, stylish, and stronger than everyone else in the bar.

(c)  Warning:  The consumption of our whisky may cause you to tell your boss what you really think of him at the annual Christmas party in front of staff just before he was going to give you a surprise award for best new employee.

(d)  Warning:  There are many better single malts at half the price of this 18 year old blend.  Specifically, that independent bottler's blended malt.

8.  If we hired you and it didn't work out, what would you accept in lieu of reasonable notice of termination?

(a)  4 weeks salary?

(b)  A case of our finest whisky?

(c)  George Clooney's little black book?

(d)  Maxim Hot List #1's phone number?

(e)  (c) and (d)

(f)  (a) through (d)


Photo Credits:  Classroom Chairs by Eric James Sarimiento used in this post pursuant to a Creative Commons License;  Photograph of Sarah Palin taken by Shemp Howard, Jr. and used here pursuant to a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.  All images used are considered by the author to be significant in illustrating the subject matter, facilitating artistic/critical commentary, as it provides an immediate relevance to the reader more capably than the textual description.  Finally, I would like to thank Ethan Kuperberg for his hilarious piece entitled S.A.T. For Adults which appeared in the New Yorker on Sept. 23, 2013.  It really generated my idea for this post.