It gets lonely here on mantel with zee other bottles. Bourbons are enough friendly, but I find zose guys from Islay and other Scottish Isles to be real snobs. Zey are cold and distant like zeir geography. Thinks zeir malted barley don't ahh how you say? Stink? Of course it does stink of peat bogs, decay and bad manners.
I understand that you're proud of daughter's graduation of high school, but placing framed photo to front of me makes my view of zee TV impossible.
Speaking of télévision, I see that you Canadians are az uncultured az your mouth breathing brethren to south. Between reruns of Trailer Park Boys, PokerStars and 2 Broke Girls, I am convinced that you are culturally deprived or should I zay depraved? No doubt both apply where you are concerned. Nevertheless, I have edifying antidote. Turn to channel 423 "Classic French Cinema" you silly little, unimportant man. Watch Bob Le Flambeur (1956) three times followed by all of Jean Pierre Melville's other films and zen I will resume speaking to you.
Your wife iz French.
She iz . . . how you zay . . . your only qualidee redeeming.
I like her.
Mais, when she lights candles here on mantel, it gets rather warm and G-d forbid she gets ignitesfireplace. Blameless she is, as she not put me here to show off. You did, you stupide, petit bourgeoisiecochon. I belong in honor place, top shelf of your cabinet of liquorz, at right hand of G-d: Remy Martin XO!
I like Jewish people much.
You know why? Because zey do not celebrate Christmas. So, here iz a note to your-stupide-self: do not string holiday garland around me or suspend from my neck a North Pole Elf who chokes me! Elf on zee Shelf belongs on Shelf! Fool! By way, don't even think of converting. Zee Jews would never have you.
Your elderly Chinese neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Chen, I very much like. Have you notice zey always ask about me? This because zey know good character! I can tell. Mrs. Chen can't take her eyes off me, unless Highness-on-High, XO, makes an appearance.
Rémy Martin VSOP Category
Cognac Closure
Cork
ABV
40%
Nose (undiluted)
Complex orange blossom, very ripe Moroccan tangerines, very floral notes of violets, roses, vanilla and mulled wine.
Palate (undiluted)
Oranges, tangerines, spiced rose water, Australian red licorice, cardamon, dry apricot. Rum cake.
Finish (undiluted)
Dry oak, vanilla and bittersweet dark chocolate, pencil lead.
. . .
Contrary to opinions of bourgeoisie (all other whiskies on zis shelf), I am superior spirit, distilled from noble, acidic white grapes rather than coarse and stillborn barley, and other lesser grains that belong in a morning cereal or seven grain bread, you silly little Anglo-jambon of a man whiz your bad teeth, inferior cuisine and unfashionable vêtements.
If Johnnie Walker Black was a fellow, he would be a young, lean, angular jawed, recent MBA grad, full of ambition with his career mapped out in exhaustive Montblanc detail on a coffee shop napkin, should you care to ask.
Got an expensive car lease that you impulsively plunged into during the sunny honeymoon period with your ex-gf, and now, under the gathering sombre clouds of insolvency, you are desperate to escape? Johnnie actually knows someone, who knows someone, who wants that overpriced and unreliable German automotive piece of revenge, launched against us because our grandfathers won the War. After a volley of texts, email, and countless lattes, you will find yourself, an offender released from the Mercedes Benz Finance debtor's prison.
Seated next to Johnnie, in a gray Philadelphia Eagles poncho, is Glen, or more precisely Glenfiddich 12, and he likes fishing, Coors Light and football. Everyone likes Glen, particularly the ladies. He has an interesting opinion on everything from Ford truck lift kits to what kind of industrial glue, wax and gold metallic paint is used to maintain Trump's pompadour!
And sitting across from these two characters at the coffee shop/ bookstore / consignment art gallery, or hunting ground for a Friday night date, is Jura. He's got the J.Crew catalogue thing goin' on a little too much with the green merino wool v-neck, the golf ball white Brooks Brothers button down underneath, and of course ironed safari beige khakis. Are we in church or trying to meet ladies in a coffee shop / bookstore / avante garde nude interpretative dance theatre troupe gallery or whatever the hell this place is? C'mon Mr. Rogers !!!
What can I tell you about Jura? He's frugal. Cheap to hang out with, but damn, the 25 cent tip he leaves behind is a bitter reminder to the waitress that it is a cold world out there just like February's icicles lining the metal awning beyond the cafe's storefront window.
Category
Single Malt Scotch
Price
Cheap price for the 10 yr single malt category.
Region
Island (Jura) Age
10 years
Closure
Cork stopper ABV
43% (depending on market, may be 40%) Production Note
Aged exclusively in ex-bourbon casks, unpeated.
Palate (undiluted)
Creamy, banana, oak, melon, honey, coconut and white cake bread. Faint marine/dulse note (even though the malt is not peated, maybe the bogs covering much of the island transfer some peat/phenolic notes into the natural water supply used by this distillery). Wood smoke / kippers.
Finish (undiluted)
Tight green apple, slightly acidic green pepper, unripened melon, bitter lemon seed and orange pith. Some mackerel and wet wood smoke too.
General Impressions
Jura delivers the goods for the price, but just barely. The grapefruit pith and lemon rind finish is simply too bitter to be pleasant leaving this malt unbalanced and wanting. Maybe it needed more time in the cask. Or maybe the spirit needed some time in sherry casks to soften the citrus bitterness. I suspect so.
For what you paid, you receive a very basic malt. No complexity, no intrigue, no excitement. Maybe sometime you may want a simple Maritime style whisky that will not break the bank.
You are not being wowed. Your friend is not Highland Park 18 doing an in-store poetry reading, that attracts a circle of fluttering ladies like moths to a flame.
Instead, Jura is a strait-laced / law abiding fellow, who by turns can be a little taciturn, which makes it hard to attract bees since there is little honey sweetness once the finish arrives or when he opens his mouth to speak. I mean, he is not willing to accept some sherry casks and peat into his personality. Need I say more? He would be more charismatic if he would adopt the easygoing world view of Glen. As a friend, you accept Jura's risk-averse nature for what it is, a decent character, who by turns is a little bitter and astringent.
Cheers!
Jason Debly
P.S. Glenfiddich 12 is typically priced lower than Jura 10 yrs "Origin" and does not present any of the bitter grapefruit pith notes. However, Glenfiddich 12 is not particularly smoky or marine-like in the style of Jura. If you want the nautical and sea-like style around the same price point, then please consider Old Pulteney 12 years.
"Yesterday, my boss swung by my office and told me to come see her."
Keith paused, let out a triumphant belch, crushed his can of Schlitz upon his blue jean thigh and then continued.
"I was thinkin' . . . ahh shit, not the Lara Croft saga again."
Earlier this year, he had pinned to the gray fabric partition of his cubicle, a movie poster of the fictional video game character, the voluptuous British archaeologist/explorer, who passes her time ducking poisonous blow darts while trekking through ancient, dangerous tombs and ruins. His white pressboard cubicle bookshelf was also adorned with Lara Croft figurines striking feisty action poses with big guns drawn, firearms that is.
Have I also mentioned he is 46 years old, a genius software coder, who lives in his mother's basement, and is my one of my best friends? And, what does this say about me? Leave that for another post.
Anyhow, to Keith's utter bewilderment, someone in the office took offence to his cinematic poster and action figure selections. HR invited Keith to a windowless meeting room where they laid out the complaint. In response, he invoked nonsensical freedom of expression arguments. He also protested, in vain, that no one complained about his Star Wars figures: bikini clad Princess Leia entwined with Jabba the Hutt.
In any event, his employer proffered what they termed a 'compromise.' Either he make the poster and offending figurines disappear or he would be disappearing from the software company's payroll quicker than an arrow flies from Ms. Croft's crossbow.
"I still had Lara as my screensaver, and thought that maybe the boss was gonna whine about that."
His defiance reduced to a computer screen in sleep mode was not wise, and any attempt to warn him was dismissed with a wave of his pudgy mitt that clasped a fresh replacement to the recently compacted Schlitz can. He had moved on to Old Milwaukee.
"Turns out, it was not about that at all. She has a new idea for an app she wants me to work on. It had nothing to do with the Tomb Raider."
Keith seemed to be trying to conjure up another belch, but his gastrointestinal tract would not cooperate. Instead, my Chinese friend momentarily grimaced in effort while his lower lip quivered kinda like Jabba the Hutt.
"What's the app?" Roger asked while making braised Provençal beef.
We were in his sunny country kitchen and he was at his island gas grille expertly stirring sauce in one pan, and searing chunks of beef in another. Amidst the steaming pots and hissing frying pans, he would nonchalantly toss a dirty pot into the double sink from where he stood, a distance of about ten feet. He had worked in Brussels, Lyon and his native Lancashire, not to mention a few places in the New World.
"She wants me to develop a whisky tasting note app."
. . .
The braised Provençal beef was rib sticking fare of chunks of seared beef in a dark sauce that had duck fat, pre-glazed carrots, oven dried tomato, artichoke and turnip. Between this French dish, the tannic-of the soil red Bordeaux, and the crackling fireplace next to the kitchen table, I was listening without really understanding as Roger explained the recipe that Saturday afternoon in cold December.
Eventually, I could no longer follow the conversation of spices, repeated braising at certain intervals, the changes in pans, and oven cooking temperatures, to the point that my mind set sail on a river of Bordeaux and eventually came to the shore of whisky apps, no doubt inspired by Keith's tale of self-inflicted workplace woe. And then a thought came to mind. Maybe I should rate them all and let you know the best whisky app available.
. . .
The Best Whisky App of 2016
Here at Jason's Scotch Whisky Reviews, I and my team of testers (Keith and Roger) have spent the past month downloading every available whisky app onto our respective smartphones and computers in hopes of discovering the best whisky app for you. I am happy to report that after surveying the marketplace, paying close attention to cost, availability, absence of software glitches, and a multitude of other performance metrics, we can report with authority that the best whisky tasting notes app is the:
"Whisky Bottle"
Whisky Bottle
Every whisky app has its strengths and weaknesses. What we were particularly impressed with was how well the Whisky Bottle performed in areas where wifi was not available. The display performed consistently. Software updates were never a concern. The label on each single malt Scotch bottle we tested provided us clear, easy to understand text, the name of the distillery, age statement, ABV and capacity (e.g. 750 ml). Now, we must admit the font chosen by some brands took a little bit of getting used to, like take for example the bottle pictured above. The "Dalwhinnie" script was a little different and not as simple as say the 16 point Times New Roman font that you might see on other bottles like say Johnnie Walker Black, but with a little time and possibly a libation or two, we were able to adapt.
Because we did not need wifi or a data plan to operate the Whisky Bottle, that meant it was very mobile. Park benches, even in the rain, were no problem. The interface display, namely the label did degrade somewhat during testing in a heavy downpour at a local park. The ink on the label did seem to run a bit, but we just moved to the trees and under those mighty branches, the display significantly improved. Plus it became more user friendly as the bottle was less slippery!
Software updates were naturally not a concern. No patches needed here. One's personal identity was not exposed to hacking, unless he downloaded too much of the Whisky Bottle content at the office Christmas party, and then started hitting on the waitress who happens to be his neighbor's daughter. Then a user's identity or reputation could be put at risk.
During our extensive testing we were comforted by not having to have access to an adequately charged smartphone to operate the Whisky Bottle. While USB power cords, adapters and electrical outlets were not needed, there was one accessory that was a must: the Glencairn glass. Without this user interface device, operation of the Whisky Bottle attracted stares from onlookers in restaurants, bars and the park we were in. This in turn drew the unwanted attention of the police, who unceremoniously pulled out handcuffs when we explained we were doing field testing.
Armed with a Glencairn glass, one can operate the Whisky Bottle with relative ease and develop tasting notes very quickly in real time. A case in point, here is the tasting note produced by a bottle of Dalwhinnie when accessorized with a Glencairn glass:
Dalwhinnie 15 years Single Malt Scotch
Nose (undiluted)
Vanilla, apple blossoms, pears.
Palate (undiluted)
Apple peel, bruised apple sweetness, salted almonds drizzled with wild honey, lemon zest and barley toys.
Mid-to-Late Palate (undiluted)
Spices emerge, baking soda, thyme, rosemary and walnut.
Finish (undiluted)
Drying malt, pencil lead, graphite, white oak, balsa, part your lips and breathe and you will taste smoke and remnants of heather.
The Whisky Bottle, with Glencairn add-on, allows the user to draw their own conclusions and general impressions. We found this much more readily accepted by the user than to rely on someone else's opinion, or sorting through endless Facebook and Twitter feeds. With respect to Dalwhinnie 15 years, our testers had the following impressions:
Very sweet whisky that is devoid of sherry and peat. Fortunately, it does transition mid-palate to become dryer, but overall a pretty sweet dram. Newbies to whisky will certainly like this Highland Malt and prices tend to be good, so it is worth seeking out!
Cheers!
Jason Debly
P.S. If you don't like the Whisky Bottle app, as it is costly on a per bottle basis, try downloading a You Tube app and watch our review for free!
Trump: Next question. You! Over on the left. Go ahead!
Debly: Moving away from ISIS and Sarah Palin's remarkable figure, I was wondering if you could tell us what you think of Monkey Shoulder?
Trump: I don't drink alcohol.
Debly: I sent you a sample with my tasting notes. One of your aides said you tasted it, as it is from Scotland, "the land of his ancestors and the home of golf" as she aptly put it.
Trump: Yeah, yeah, I took a sip. Even though, I don't drink alcohol.
Debly: Think of your opinion on this blended malt as a statement of your foreign policy on Scotland.
Trump: I do love Scotland and I built a tremendous golf course there. Absolutely tremendous! It's a huge success! . . . . Okay kid, read me your tasting notes, refresh my memory.
Nose (undiluted)
Citrus, oak, apples and a distinct but faint alcoholic note.
Palate (undiluted)
Smooth apples, caramel, honey and grapefruit.
Finish (undiluted)
Malty, mild pepper, lemon seed, a little rubbing alcohol chased by some slight smoke.
. . .
Debly: Cheap price in the US. Around $29. Good value for money, but not north of the border in Canada. At $59, grab a cheap single malt instead. It may be a blended malt at 43% ABV, but not much complexity. Actually, no complexity, much like your platform.
Trump: Whoa? Not much complexity? Excuse me! I am very rich! I built a tremendous company! I create jobs. I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created! We need to make America great again. We don't have victories anymore because our leaders are fools outfoxed by China, Japan and Mexico, but I will change all that. How is that for complexity? AND! I will win the Black vote and the Hispanic vote!
Debly: Yes, but what about the Monkey Shoulder fan-base vote?
Photo Credits: Photo of Donald Trump by Mark Wilson/Getty Images. Mark Wilson's photograph is used purely for the purposes of education, entertainment and humor. All copyright and moral rights are the property of Mark Wilson/Getty. Photo of Monkey Shoulder bottle by Jason Debly.
